It’s Okay to Feel Relief When Someone Dies

Saying goodbye to a loved one is one of the most challenging experiences we face in life. It can bring feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, but a loss can also bring a surprising emotion: relief.

It seems like such an inappropriate emotion when you've just lost someone, but the truth is, relief is entirely normal. It doesn't mean you are a "terrible person" or that something is "wrong" with you. It just means you are human. In this blog post we will address why relief occurs, and how to stop feeling guilty about it.

Understanding Grief: A Multifaceted Emotion

Grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience. It encompasses a range of emotions, from sadness and anger to confusion and, yes, relief. According to the American Psychological Association, grief can manifest differently in each person, shaped by personality, circumstances, and previous experiences.

When a loved one has been suffering from a long-term illness or enduring painful circumstances, it’s natural to feel relief once they are no longer in pain. This relief does not diminish love or respect; rather, it speaks to the compassionate feelings we have for those we care about. It also doesn't mean that other emotions are "false" or "not genuine". It is possible, and entirely normal, to have multiple complex emotions about a loss and experience a cycle of emotions. While grief is often portrayed as sadness, there are far more feelings that come into play.

A woman expressing multiple emotions.

The Guilt of Relief

Society gives us a very specific image of what grief is supposed to look like: crying, sadness, and misery. Anything outside of this is often called "unusual" for the circumstance, or "inappropriate". The truth is, there is no rulebook for grief. No one experiences loss in the same way, and all losses are different in the length and time it took to reach that point.

For some, the process of caring for a loved one can extend for years, sometimes even decades. It is not always a short process that occurs right before a person passes; instead for some, it is an every day occurrence that has been an additional responsibility. Regardless of the length of time it is before a person passes, caregivers will inevitably have some role in the overseeing of the person. Each additional task is compounded by the tasks the caregiver already had in their daily life like work, education, kids, and maintaining their own health. The truth is: caregiving is hard, and that's okay to acknowledge.

There are so many layers to caregiving, and it has been studied time and time again the impact caring for a loved on has on a person. The selfless act comes with hurdles that most people are not prepared for, especially when it is their first loss. Some of the experiences of caregivers are as follows:

• Caregiver Burnout and Emotional Health

Studies show that 37% of adult caregivers experience high burnout symptoms such as exhaustion, detachment, and emotional strain (McKinsey & Company, 2022). In fact, between 40% and 70% of family caregivers report clinical symptoms of depression (A Place for Mom, 2024). Stress levels are also strikingly high—57% of caregivers report significant anxiety, stress, or depression (A Place for Mom, 2024). These statistics highlight that caregiver burnout is not a rare occurrence but a widespread reality.

• The Physical Toll

Beyond emotional stress, caregiving can harm physical health. Roughly 23% of caregivers report a negative impact on their physical well-being (A Place for Mom, 2024). International research echoes these concerns; for instance, studies in Hong Kong and New Zealand found caregiver burnout rates of 15.5% and 13.9% respectively among those caring for people with dementia (Au et al., 2021).

• The Time Commitment

The role is also time-intensive. On average, family caregivers devote 22.3 hours per week to caregiving, with about 30% providing over 21 hours and nearly 20% giving more than 41 hours weekly (A Place for Mom, 2024). These hours often equal the demands of a part-time job, without the pay.

• The Financial Burden

Caregiving also comes with heavy financial costs. AARP data shows that family caregivers spend nearly 20% of their income—about $6,954 annually—on out-of- pocket expenses. For lower-income caregivers, this burden can reach 44% of their yearly income (CBS News, 2021).

On top of these direct costs, caregivers also lose wages and career opportunities.

A 2015 U.S. study estimated that family caregivers forfeited $28.3 billion in earnings due to caregiving responsibilities (U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, 2019). Similarly, the average annual loss in wages per caregiver was $5,251 in 2013, projected to rise to $6,323 by 2050 (HR Dive, 2019).

Why These Numbers Matter

These statistics underscore the complex realities caregivers face. Caregiving is not just emotionally draining—it also comes at a steep personal and financial cost. When caregivers feel a mix of emotions—including relief when a loved one passes—understanding these challenges helps us see that such feelings are not about lacking love, but about the cumulative toll caregiving takes.

It's essential to understand that feeling relief does not make you a bad person. In fact, feelings of relief often signify the end of a prolonged struggle, both for the person who has passed and the family or caregivers. Emotions are complex, and sometimes relief can coexist with sorrow.

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The Importance of Acknowledging Emotions

Acknowledging your emotions is a vital step in the healing process. Validating what you feel helps you process your experience and prevents them from festering into depression or anxiety. Recognizing relief as a valid, and acceptable emotion, truly helps reframe the mindset around grief. Here are some ways to help you acknowledge and understand your feelings:

Journaling

Writing down your thoughts can be incredibly beneficial. A journal provides a private space for you to express your relief and guilt without judgment. You might choose to describe your loved one's final days or capture the conflicting emotions you're experiencing.

Talking to Someone

Sometimes, expressing your feelings verbally can offer clarity. Reach out to trusted friends or family members who may have been through similar experiences. You can also consider speaking with a mental health professional who specializes in grief counseling. They can guide you in processing feelings of relief and guilt in a constructive way.

Create Rituals or Memorials

Creating a ritual to honor your loved one’s memory can offer closure and a dedicated time to reflect. This could involve planting a tree, holding a memorial service, or even just lighting a candle in their honor. These actions can help you engage with your emotions in a healthy way.

A man writes down his thoughts.

Moving Forward with Acceptance

Instead of resisting feelings of relief, learn to accept them as part of your complex emotional journey. Acceptance can reduce guilt and promote emotional healing. Here are some thoughts to consider as you move forward:

1. You Are Not Alone: Many people experience feelings of relief after a loved one passes, particularly after a prolonged struggle with illness.

2. Grief Is Not Linear: You may feel fluctuations in your emotions long after the passing. Accepting this reality helps you prepare for the ups and downs.

3. Celebrate Their Life: Instead of focusing solely on loss, take the time to celebrate the joy your loved one brought into your life. Think about the things you are grateful for, like your loved one not being in pain or having less responsibility.

   
   

Lastly, remember that healing takes time, and every person's journey is unique. It’s okay to feel different and not fit the mold of "proper grief". Your experience is yours alone, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

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References

A Place for Mom. (2024). Caregiver burnout statistics: The hidden toll on families. Retrieved from https://www.aplaceformom.com/senior-living-data/articles/caregiver-burnout-statistics

Au, A., Li, S., Lee, K., Li, H., & Leung, P. (2021). Caregiver burnout of community-dwelling people with dementia in Hong Kong and New Zealand: A cross-sectional study. BMC Geriatrics, 21(1), 450. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12877-021-02153-6

CBS News. (2021, November 18). Family caregivers spend huge percent of income on care costs, AARP survey finds. Retrieved from https://www.cbsnews.com/news/family-caregivers-spend-huge-percent-of-income-on-care-costs-aarp-survey

HR Dive. (2019, March 7). The economic cost of caregiving could double by 2050. Retrieved from https://www.hrdive.com/news/the-economic-cost-of-caregiving-could-double-by-2050/559018

McKinsey & Company. (2022, August 12). Caregivers are burning out. Retrieved from https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/week-in-charts/caregivers-are-burning-out

U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. (2019). Economic impacts of programs to support caregivers: Final report. Retrieved from https://aspe.hhs.gov/reports/economic-impacts-programs-support-caregivers-final-report-0

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