What Dating is Really Like
Dating can be fun. It can also be awkward, disappointing, confusing, exciting, exhausting, and occasionally all of those things in the same week.
You might meet someone you really like and wonder where it is going. You might go on three dates with someone and realize there is absolutely no spark. You might think someone is interested and then get ghosted. You might meet someone wonderful and still discover that the two of you want completely different things.
All of that is part of dating.
A lot of the frustration comes from expecting dating to follow a particular script. You meet someone, the chemistry is instant, everything falls into place, and somehow you just know this is your person.
Real life is usually messier.
Dating is two people getting to know each other while bringing their own personalities, experiences, expectations, insecurities, schedules, baggage, and hopes into the situation. That takes time. Sometimes it works beautifully. Sometimes it doesn't.
Learning to have realistic expectations can make dating a lot easier to navigate.
Dating Does NOT Mean Forever
One of the easiest ways to put unnecessary pressure on dating is to treat every new person like a potential lifelong partner before you actually know them.
You had a great first date. You laughed all night. You have chemistry. You go home thinking, "Could this be my person?"
Maybe.
You also have one date's worth of information.
Dating is where you collect the information you actually need.
How does this person treat people?
Do they communicate?
Are they dependable?
What do they want from a relationship?
How do they handle disappointment?
Do your values fit together?
Do you actually like the person once the excitement settles down?
You are figuring them out, and they are figuring you out.
That also means you are allowed to change your mind. You can enjoy someone's company and decide you aren't interested in pursuing a relationship. Someone can be a good person and still not be the right person for you. You can have chemistry and discover that your goals are completely different.
A date is not a contract. You are allowed to learn and make a different decision as you get more information.
Chemistry Is Great. It Is Not a Compatibility Test.
There is a reason people get excited about chemistry. When you really click with someone, it feels good. You look forward to their messages. You want to see them again. You notice your phone lighting up and hope it is them.
Enjoy that.
Just remember that chemistry tells you that you are attracted to someone. It does not tell you whether you will function well together.
You can have incredible chemistry with someone who has completely different expectations about marriage, children, money, communication, lifestyle, or commitment.
You can also meet someone who seems perfectly reasonable on paper and feel absolutely nothing.
Neither situation makes you a bad person.
Part of dating is figuring out what actually matters to you. Maybe you discover that you need someone who communicates directly. Maybe you learn that you cannot live with someone who wants children when you do not. Maybe you realize that you care much more about emotional availability than you thought.
Those discoveries are valuable, even when they come from relationships that don't work out.
Dating is the process of learning what you do, and don't, want in a relationship.
Pay Attention to More Than Feelings
Early dating is often the easy part.
People are usually putting their best foot forward. They are making plans, being attentive, asking questions, and trying to impress each other. That is great. Enjoy it.
Then life happens.
Someone gets stressed. You disagree about something. One person gets busy. Plans change. You say something that lands wrong. They say something that bothers you.
This is where you start learning who someone actually is.
You don't need someone who never makes a mistake. You need to pay attention to what happens when they do.
Can they apologize without turning the situation back on you?
Can you tell them something bothered you without being punished for bringing it up? Can the two of you disagree without someone becoming cruel, threatening, controlling, or dismissive?
You should also look at yourself.
Can you communicate what you need?
Can you hear something you don't like without immediately assuming the relationship is over?
Can you admit when you are wrong?
If you're being honest with yourself and know you need work, handling that before dating can give you much healthier, happier outcomes.
Relationships involve two people. The standard you have for the other person has to exist for you too.
And this is where time matters. Someone can say all the right things on a first date. Consistent behavior over several months tells you much more.
Expect Disappointment and Rejection
This is probably the least glamorous part of dating, but it deserves to be said.
You are going to get disappointed.
Someone you like may not like you back. Someone may seem interested and then disappear. You may date someone for a while and realize you want different things.
Someone may reject you. You may reject someone who really likes you. Sometimes you will be the person whose feelings are hurt, and sometimes you will be the person doing the hurting simply because you do not feel the same way.
That can suck.
There is no clever dating advice that makes rejection feel great. You can handle it well and still be disappointed. You can know that a relationship wasn't right for you and still miss the person.
The important thing is learning not to turn every disappointment into a statement about your worth. Or about the worth of the person involved.
Rejection just means that person wasn't the right fit for you.
One bad date does not mean you are bad at dating.
Someone losing interest does not mean something is wrong with you.
A relationship ending does not erase everything good that happened while you were together.
And sometimes a relationship ending is actually the information you needed. You may realize that you were accepting behavior you shouldn't have accepted. You may discover that you were trying to make something work because you were afraid to start over.
Dating can teach you things about yourself that you probably would not have learned any other way.
Even if a relationship ends on a bad note, harboring hatred for an ex-partner only allows them to occupy space in your mind.
Accept the good, respect what didn't work, and learn from it.
Your Partner Should Not Be Your Entire Life
When you really like someone, it is tempting to make them the center of your world.
You want to see them constantly. You start changing your schedule around them. Your friends hear less from you. Your hobbies get pushed aside. Every text becomes important. Your mood starts depending on how the relationship is going.
It happens.
But a relationship should become part of your life, not your entire life.
Keep seeing your friends. Keep your hobbies. Keep working toward your goals. Keep making decisions about your own future.
And let the other person do the same.
You should be able to enjoy being together without feeling like you have to be together every minute. You should be able to say, "I'm going out with my friends tonight," without it becoming a relationship crisis.
The same goes for expectations.
You should expect respect. You should expect honesty. You should expect reasonable communication and effort. You should expect to be able to express your boundaries and concerns.
You should not expect another person to read your mind, solve every problem in your life, make you happy every day, or give up their identity to prove that they love you.
And you cannot reasonably be expected to do those things for them either.
A good relationship can add a lot to your life. It can give you companionship, affection, support, laughter, and someone to share experiences with. It can also challenge you to communicate better and grow as a person.
But you still need to be a person outside of the relationship.
Final Thoughts
There is no perfect dating experience. You will probably have awkward dates, great dates, confusing situations, strong feelings, disappointments, and moments when you wonder what the hell you are doing.
You may meet people who teach you exactly what you want. You may meet people who teach you exactly what you don't want. You may get your heart broken. You may break someone else's heart. You may spend a long time dating before finding someone you genuinely want to build a life with.
That is dating.
The goal is not to approach every person as a potential soulmate or to avoid getting hurt at all costs. The goal is to get to know people, be honest about what you want, pay attention to how someone actually treats you, and give yourself permission to walk away when the relationship isn't right.
And when something good does come along, let yourself enjoy it. You don't have to know on the third date whether this person will be in your life ten years from now.
Sometimes you just need to see what happens next.
Up Next: Sometimes the things that make a relationship unhealthy are easy to overlook when you really like someone. The next article looks at Red Flags in Dating, including behaviors that deserve your attention before you become deeply invested.
Pardon our ads, they allow us to keep our site running and keep our helpful content free to access.
Comments