Red Flags in Dating
Dating can be exciting. It can also put you in situations where you are trusting somebody you barely know.
That is the part people sometimes skip over.
You meet someone, you like them, you have a great conversation, and suddenly you are emotionally invested before you have had enough time to learn who they actually are. You know what they told you. You know what they want you to see. You are still figuring out what is underneath all of that.
This is where paying attention matters.
Red flags can show up in conversation, behavior, finances, substance use, relationships with other people, and the way someone handles everyday life. Some are obvious. Others become clear after you have seen the same behavior several times.
Dating requires judgment. You have to decide what fits into your life, what does not, and what you are willing to walk away from.
Do Your Homework
If you meet someone through an app or online, you are starting with a stranger.
Take a few minutes to verify who you are meeting.
Search their name. Look at publicly available social media. Check whether the basic information they gave you lines up. If they told you where they work, what they do, or where they live, you can often verify some of that information independently.
For someone you plan to date seriously, you can also consider a background check.
A background check can uncover information such as criminal records, depending on the service, jurisdiction, and records available. It can also help identify information that someone left out of their dating profile or conversation.
Use the information as part of the bigger picture.
A background check does not tell you someone's character. Records can also be incomplete, outdated, or inaccurate. The purpose is to gather information before you become deeply involved with someone.
There is another reason to do this: people lie.
Some people lie about their age. Some lie about being married. Some lie about their job, where they live, their relationship status, their finances, or their criminal history.
You don't have to pretend to be a detective, but you should do basic due diligence. It can save you from learning something important, or potentially dangerous, months into a relationship.
And keep your own information protected while you are getting to know someone. Your home address, Social Security number, passwords, banking information, account access, and other sensitive information belong to you. Don't share your work location, or where you go to the gym.
Dating is a new terrain, and a healthy level of skepticism can keep you safe, and in some cases, alive.
Look at Patterns
People have bad days. People make mistakes. People also develop patterns.
Patterns are where you want to start paying attention. Some common red flags that can increase the chance of violence, or a bad relationship later on are:
They Always Have an Excuse
Someone who made one bad financial decision has a different financial situation from someone who is constantly broke, constantly borrowing money, and constantly blaming somebody else for it.
Additionally, someone who misses dates often, or doesn't text back when they say they will can be a pattern built up over time that signifies a red flag. If someone works a lot, or has a few times missing texts or plans that can be normal. But if they are regularly missing planned events, don't remember much about what you tell them, or always seem to "have an answer" as to why they can't do something or didn't do something, pay attention.
They Take No Accountability
Sometimes it can feel like the world is against us. It happens to the best of us, where we feel like life is unfair. However, most people understand that bad things happen every once in a while, and move on from it.
Some people. however, fixate on things happening to them rather than what happened. For example, a person might lose their job because they missed work often. Rather than acknowledging they were fired for their attendance, they might instead blame their boss for firing them.
Unfortunately, there are many adults who are old enough to date, but believe that they are incapable of doing wrong. If they often blame others for mishaps, or bad events, chances are you too will be the "cause" of a problem in the future. Listen and pay attention to how a person responds to stressful or bad events. Do they get down, but move on? Or do they blame everything around them for causing it?
They Drink Often
Someone who drinks occasionally has a different lifestyle from someone who drinks heavily several nights a week. Are all their photos them at the bar? Do they usually reply with "having a drink, hbu?" Do they mention that they want to take you out for drinks? While all of this can be normal, pay attention to patterns of potential addiction, which always will come with problems.
Their Personality is "Stoner"
Similar to drinking are drugs. Someone who tried marijuana once in college has a different relationship with drugs from someone who regularly uses drugs today. In some states, weed is perfectly legal and is taken part of recreationally. If a person uses it occasionally, that may be their relaxation. However, if their entire personality is about their flower or how hard they can "rip a bong", chances are their finances and focus are on their enjoyment, not long term planning.
They Do Illicit Substances
Despite what music and movies glorify, hard drugs are usually the end point in someone's life. Hard drugs are always a red flag. A person struggling with substance use is not capable of having a meaninful relationship with you, because they do not have a good relationship with themselves.
They often have housing concerns, financial concerns, have some form of criminal record, and are often fluctuating in mood due to the intense consequences of illicit drugs. Also, with drug use comes significant risks for STDs, reckless behavior, dangerous behavior, and correlate with higher levels of domestic violence.
If you yourself struggle with addiction, dating another person struggling with addiction increases your likelihood of relapse, and death. Additionally, those using illicit substances are more likely to abuse their partner, their pets, and their children.
"Adults with substance use disorders (SUD) are more than twice as likely to abuse or neglect their children compared to non-substance-abusing parents. Research also suggests parents struggling with addiction are roughly 3 times more likely to commit physical or sexual abuse. [1, 2]" This is the # 1 red flag in dating. “High-risk” illicit drug use was the biggest turn-off, at 73 percent, followed by misused prescription drugs (60 percent).
Look at what keeps happening. Ask yourself these questions and be honest. They might be the world's most attractive person to you, but that doesn't make them a good person for you.
Does this person regularly miss work because they were drinking?
Do they drive after drinking?
Do they need alcohol to have fun?
Do they become aggressive, reckless, or unpredictable when they drink?
Are drugs a regular part of their social life?
Are they constantly involved in fights, legal problems, or situations that bring unnecessary chaos into their life?
Do they repeatedly lose jobs?
Do they constantly have financial emergencies?
Do they gamble away money?
Do they tell you the same story about why everything keeps going wrong?
You are also allowed to decide that certain lifestyles simply do not belong in your life.
Pay Attention to Money
Money becomes complicated very quickly when you are dating someone who expects you to provide it. Pay attention to how someone handles their own money before you start handling it for them.
Maybe they always "forgot" their wallet.
Maybe you are paying for every date.
Maybe they start asking you to buy things.
Then the requests get bigger.
They need help with their phone bill. Their car needs repairs. Their rent is due. They have an emergency. They promise to pay you back next week.
Then next week comes with another story.
This pattern can happen with men or women.
Someone who consistently receives money, meals, rides, gifts, or financial help from you may be taking advantage of your generosity. Watch what happens when you stop providing those things. Their reaction can tell you a lot.
Pay attention to financial conversations, too. Someone who starts digging into your income, savings, credit, home ownership, investments, or bank accounts very early in the relationship may have a financial interest in you that goes beyond getting to know you.
You should also pay attention to people who constantly talk about what they want you to provide.
"I want a man who takes care of me."
"I expect my woman to pay half of everything."
"I need somebody with a good job."
"I want someone who can give me the lifestyle I'm used to."
Those statements tell you what they expect from a partner.
Believe them.
Watch Their Lifestyle
You are going to learn a lot about somebody by seeing how they actually live.
Look at their friends. Look at where they spend their time. Look at what they spend money on. Look at how they handle work. Look at how they spend a typical weekend.
Their lifestyle will eventually become part of your life if the relationship becomes serious.
Someone who spends every weekend partying may not fit comfortably with someone who wants quiet weekends at home.
Someone who spends most of their free time around drugs may not fit with someone who wants a drug-free household.
Someone who constantly surrounds themselves with people involved in criminal activity can bring situations into your life that you never asked for.
Someone who has no interest in working, planning, maintaining a home, or taking responsibility may eventually expect you to carry those responsibilities.
Watch What Happens When They Want Something
Pay attention when someone wants something from you.
Maybe they want sex.
Maybe they want money.
Maybe they want a ride.
Maybe they want you to lie for them.
Maybe they want you to move faster in the relationship.
Maybe they want you to stop seeing certain friends.
Maybe they want access to your home.
This is where you learn whether someone's affection comes with conditions.
Someone who becomes angry when you say no is giving you information.
Someone who pressures you after you have already answered is giving you information.
Someone who makes you feel guilty for having boundaries is giving you information.
Someone who threatens to leave every time you disagree is giving you information.
Someone who becomes suddenly loving whenever they want something is giving you information.
And that information is to leave.
Listen to Promises. Watch the Follow-Through.
Dating involves a lot of promises.
"I'll change." - But did they?
"I'll get my life together." - But have they?
"I'll stop drinking." - Are they still drinking?
"I'll pay you back." - Did it happen?
"I'm going to get a better job." - Are they putting in effort?
"I'm serious about you." - Do they show it?
"I want a future with you." - Do they plan for it?
All those words can feel incredibly good when you care about someone.
Then reality has to catch up.
Promises are easy. Follow-through takes effort.
A relationship built around someone's potential can leave you waiting for a version of them that never arrives
.
Base your relationship on who is standing in front of you today.
Trust. Your. Gut.
Your own behavior can change when you are around the wrong person.
You may start watching every word you say.
You may feel nervous about bringing up normal concerns.
You may constantly wonder whether they are angry with you.
You may feel pressured to give them money, sex, time, rides, or attention.
You may find yourself explaining their behavior to your friends because you already know your friends are going to question it.
You may stop doing things you enjoy because they become upset when you spend time away from them.
You may feel exhausted from constantly managing the relationship.
Those feelings are information.
So are the things you find yourself doing.
Are you hiding things from your family because you know they would be concerned?
Are you making excuses for them?
Are you covering their bills?
Are you lying for them?
Are you repeatedly forgiving the same behavior?
Are you waiting for them to become the person they promised they would become?
If you answered yes to any of these, you have all the evidence you need.
It's time to end the connection.
Final Thoughts
Red flags are easier to see when you stop looking at each incident by itself.
You are allowed to decide that someone's drinking, drug use, financial habits, lifestyle, criminal history, relationship expectations, or behavior are dealbreakers for you.
You are also allowed to enjoy dating someone who treats you well, keeps their word, respects your boundaries, manages their life, and makes you feel comfortable being yourself.
Do your homework. Protect your personal information. Take your time. Ask questions. Pay attention to what you see instead of building the relationship around what you hope to see.
Dating is about learning what you will, and will not, put up with.
Up Next: Red flags tell you what deserves your attention. Green flags show you what you can look for when someone is actually bringing something healthy into your life.
The next article looks at the green flags of dating and how to recognize and appreciate them.
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